Mystery Science Ghostbusters 3333.3 Riffed by: Icewoman (icewoman@mindspring.com) Winston Zeddemore and the Three Ghostbusters By Nugatory (Nugatory@aol.com) Legal hullaballo: The Real Ghostbusters is owned by Sony/DIC and Mystery Science Theatre 3K is owned by Best Brains inc., and I hope they don't mind me using their characters and settings. "Winston Zeddemore and the Three Ghostbusters." belongs to Nugatory. I take no responsibility for her work. However, I would like to say that this MST of her work is no discredit to the author. So please, Nugatory, don't take this as an insult. This was all done with fun and total chaos in mind. I don't want my mailbox to be assaulted by flames! Winston Zeddemore and the Three Ghostbusters By Nugatory (Nugatory@aol.com) Icewoman: You know the drill! Peter: Not another one! I'm still healing from the last one! Icewoman: This one is cute, believe me. Egon: I'm starting to NOT believe you... Icewoman: Just shut up and get in there. Winston: What if we don't? Icewoman: I'll let Windy drop in for a visit! Ray: ARGH! NOT HER! [runs off into the theater] >Disclaimer: I don't own them. Wish I did. Janine: Someone has dreams of being a pimp. Peter: And you said there was no gray area with me... > Not getting >paid. Wish I was. Just having fun with the characters. >This story bends cannon up into a knot, but it's for humor. > [Walls start shaking] Peter: Oh dear. The Fourth Wall is having a fit! Egon: More cannon torture? Heaven help us all. Ray: I better not utter any curse words! >Rating: For everybody. If the characters seem a little OOC, >just try to see the humor in it, and ignore it. > Peter: I'll do one even better. [Tries to get up] Icewoman: That's it! [whips out hockey stick and whaps Peter] Peter: OUCHIE! >Goldilocks and the Three Ghostbusters > Egon: Gee, I wonder who that is. Winston: I don't know Egon. Remember, you dye your hair. [Everyone starts snickering] Egon: NOT FUNNY! >( Winston comes out and looks at the title ) > Egon: [pointing at Winston and laughing] HAHAHAHAHA! Winston: URK! I'm not a blond! Who do I look like? Dennis Rodman?! Peter: [whips out golden wig and slaps it on Winston] Ray: Oooh! Winston's in drag! Winston: ARGH! [snatches wig off] Egon: BSSG FLASHBACK! All: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! J.R. [outside of theater] AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! [short silence] Peter: Where in the hell did *he* come from?! Icewoman: He thinks I owe him a pizza! >"Excuse me? Do I look like Dennis Rodman to you?" > Others: [Looking at Winston.] Winston: Coincidence, shaddup! >( A large magic marker appears, crosses out the word: >'Goldilocks', and writes in: 'Winston Zeddemore'. ) > Janine: Hey! At least Zeddemore was spelled right! Winston: WHOOHOO! >"Much better. On with the story." Winston: [rubbing eyes in shock] WHAT?! I have a leading role?! Ray: Oh no. Peter: Oh yes! Janine: ARMAGEDDON IS AMONGST US! AHHHH! >Once upon a time, there was a man named Winston Zeddemore. >He Winston: Is outta here! Others: [Grabs Winston and keeps him in his seat] Winston: LET GO! THIS ISN'T FAIR! Icewoman: Man, you guys are so jumpy. He finally gets a lead and he wants to leave the theater! >had worked for his father in the construction business, but >he knew he would never follow in his father's footsteps. >So he decided to get another job. Peter: As a stripper! Come on, Winston! Shake your groove thang! Janine: o.O;; Icewoman: O.o [turns red and faints] *THUD* Winston: PETER! You promised you wouldn't tell! Egon: I refuse to even ask. But I'm sure you know now why I never reveal sensitive information to Peter. Ray: Winston was a stripper!? Oh my! > Want ads in hand, Peter: Along with his golden g-string. Winston: Peter, when we get out of here, I'm kicking your ass. > he set >off to make his mark in the world. Or at least, New York. Peter: .... Winston: [waving Icewoman's hockey stick] MAKE ONE COMMENT ABOUT STRIPPING AND I'LL THWAP YOU! Peter: Sheesh! No need to yell! Janine: He's hopeless. > >Winston scoured the city all morning, until he came to what >seemed to be a renovated old firehouse made of brick. There >was a sign above the entrance; Peter: Stripper's R Us. [takes off running] Winston: YOU'D BETTER RUN! [chases Peter with hockey stick] Ray: [yelling over screams] Wouldn't that make the rest of us strippers? Janine: That or it makes me the Madam. I like that! [evil grin] Egon: o.O;; Icewoman: O.O > a pictograph of a 'No >Smoking' symbol, with the cigarette being replaced by a >drawing of a ghost. > Egon: Showing that smoking kills. Janine: Yes, kiddies. Smoking is bad for your health. Ray: Did you know that one out of three people die from smoking? Janine: No, I didn't know that. [Winston and Peter return. Peter looks a bit roughed up. They sit next to Ray. (Ray, Winston, Peter)] Ray: Watch. Winston: Watch what? Peter: [suddenly bursts into flames] ARGH! MY EYEBROWS! Icewoman: [sighs and puts Peter out] >He looked at the want ads again. "Paranormal eliminator >wanted. Must be able to work on call at all hours. Winston: Great, teach more that Winston doesn't have a life. Peter: Not sarcastic enough. People will believe that. Winston: ARGH! > Room >and board included. Icewoman: Little did he know that board included babysitting three grown men. Ray, Peter & Egon: *WHAM* Icewoman: ITAI! Ray: Translation: ouch. > Inquire at Ghostbusters." Shrugging >his shoulders, Winston opened the door and stepped inside. > Ray: Ignorant to the horrors of the people within. MUHAHAHAR! Others: [Staring at Ray funny] Ray: What!? >The garage area was deserted. The receptionist desk was >empty, as it was Sunday, Janine's day off. > Janine: WHOOHOO! That's the best news all week. Well, if you excuse me-- Egon: You even think of moving and there be no more Twinkie for you. Janine: EGON! Egon: [smug look] Janine: No Twinkie at all? None? Egon: None. Janine: [pouting] Meanie. Icewoman: Do I even need to ask what Twinkie is? Ray: Not unless you want a hentai definition. >"Hello! Is anyone here?" he called out, sidestepping a >puddle of motor oil. Peter: Ray did it! Ray: DID NOT! Peter: I rest my case. Ray: Shaddup, Peter. Icewoman: Venkman, am I going to have to talk to you later? Peter: [slumping in chair] No.. Icewoman: Good. >'Looks like they have an oil leak,' the black man thought >to himself. 'Bet it wouldn't be too hard to fix, depending >on the problem, though.' Winston: Ah more 'Winston-things' Egon: Oh get real. You mean you couldn't fix that? Janine: [snickering] Winston: [angry] Yes, I could! How dare you-- oh shaddup! Janine: He gotcha there! > >Since no one seemed to be here, Winston decided to have a >look around, to both satisfy his curiosity, and to keep an >eye on the place while they were gone. Icewoman: Who needs a watch dog when you have an ex-army man on hand!? Winston: [sighs] Icewoman: [wriggles her eyebrows] Winston: You scare me. > The smell of coffee >lured him upstairs and into the kitchen. As he drew a cup >from the coffee pot, Winston: It wasn't the hyper powered coffee pot? Was it? Ray: For the last time, Winston, let that rest! Winston: Hell no. > he eyed the table, where it looked as >though three people had hastily abandoned their breakfasts. > Janine: Man, Winston's acting like Ray now. Peter: I've always said the two hang out too much. Icewoman: Like you and Egon don't. Peter: Someone's on a bitter streak today. Icewoman: Yes, I am. Keep it up and it'll be a murder streak. [Everyone starts scooting away from Icewoman] Icewoman: What?! >Feeling a bit hungry, Winston sat down at the first place >setting. On the plate was a sandwich of some kind. Ray: DON'T EAT THE SANDWICH! Peter: Odds are Egon made it. Janine: Egon eats sandwiches for breakfast? Winston: It's either that or Twinkies. And I won't be the one peeling him from the roof of Ecto! >Cautiously, he took a bite, then tossed Janine: --and turned in his chair as his skin slowly melted away from the hissing bones! Others: o.O;; Janine: Sorry. It wouldn't be a MST without one angst moment. >the sandwich back onto the plate after a few chews. "Ugh! >Too salty! Tastes like someone's old sweat socks!" >Winston said, taking a long swallow of coffee to kill the >taste. > Ray: You can set a nuke off in your mouth. That won't kill the taste. Egon: I'd appreciate it if no one else made smart comments on the delicacy of my sandwichs. Winston: Delicacy? Egon, that thing's a toxic melt down! >The second breakfast proved no better. "Just dry corn >flakes and coffee? What kind of breakfast is that? No >fruit? No milk?" Ray: We're lucky we can get the cornflakes in him! Peter: Shaddup! > Shaking his head, Winston moved over to >the third chair. "Here we go," he said, smiling. "Oatmeal, >breakfast of champions." Somebody had even gone as far as >to make a smiley face in the bowl with two pats of butter, >and some maple syrup. Ray: [starts blushing] (*^_^*) Others: [snickering] Ray: Stop laughing at me! > "Aw, isn't that cute? Icewoman: He is! [chucks Ray's chin] Ray: Stop it! [turns even more red] Janine: You don't get any cuter than this. [Janine and Icewoman start cooing over Ray] Peter: Why does he get all the attention. Egon: What's this? Peter Venkman jealous? Peter: I am not! Winston: Yeah and I'm a white man from Jersey. >Just like how Mom used to make it." The pitcher of milk >on the table still had some left in it, so Winston poured >some into the bowl and stirred. Icewoman: [singing] ~\o Stir the oatmeal. Stir the oatmeal. o/~ [Icewoman jumps up and starts dancing silly like] Others: o.O Icewoman: ~\o Stir the oatmeal! o/~ Ray: [whispering] It must be a Minnesota thing. Icewoman: Shaddup! Uff da! Janine: Yeah, it's a Minnesota thing. > Almost instantly, a >thousand and one raisins surged to the surface. > Winston: At least I hope it's raisins. Janine: Oh thank you, Winston. [turns green] Peter: HARF! >"Oh man! I hate raisins!" Meticulously, he began to >ferret out the raisins with his spoon, flicking them Icewoman & Janine: O.O;; Ray: FOR ONCE, CAN WE NOT BE HENTAI! Peter: You're better off telling them to not breathe! Ray: [sighs] >across the table and into the bowl of corn flakes. > Peter: Watch as Winston nitpicks! Winston: You just had to say something, didn't you? Peter: Well... yeah. Egon: [sighs and shakes his head] >"Here's some fruit for you, Mr. Nutrition," he said, eyeing >the oatmeal for hidden lumps. When he was satisfied that >the raisins were gone, Winston shoveled a spoonful of oatmeal >into his mouth--and promptly spit it back into the bowl. Ray: Now that's just disgusting! >"Great Googley Mooglies! Winston: Oh no! The Moogley has multiplied! All: ARGH! Icewoman: Wait, what the hell is a moogley?! Winston: Don't ask, just be scared. Icewoman: Okay. All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! > There must be a ton of sugar >mixed in this!" he exclaimed. "Man, I'm getting a cavity >just looking at it." Egon: So are we! Ray: Hey! I just happen to like my oatmeal sweetened. Peter: Ray, a few teaspoons of sugar is sweetend. Four cups is overdose! >Sighing, he grabbed his coffee and headed into the TV >room. > Egon: Now everyone knows Ray's secret of bouncing around. Janine: I'm surprised he still has *teeth* Peter: He's the poster boy for cavity prevention. >Watching television was definitely out of the picture, as >the TV was liberally coated with green, slimy, gooey stuff, Janine: SOMEONE was enjoying the Spice channel. Icewoman: Next story is lemon. Guys: AWWW! Icewoman: It's Janine's fault. Janine: WHAT?! >and the remote was missing. Peter: I'm sure the spud did this WHILE we were gone. Janine: Otherwise I'd been playing proton dodge with Slimer again! >To make matters worse, there weren't any good books on the >bookshelf, just dog-eared western paperbacks, and dry, old >technical journals. > Peter: Are you saying my western novels are trash?! Winston: [whistling to self innocently] Egon: And my technical journals ARE NOT dry! Winston: Settle down! It's just a story! > Maybe upstairs would be more >promising. > All: o.O Icewoman: Say that again!? > Maybe upstairs would be more >promising. > All: o.O Icewoman: Just checking! Ray: We really need to quit MSTing lemons. Winston: It's affecting us bad. Egon: Especially Janine! Janine: Hush, some of my best ideas come from lemons. Peter: I didn't need to hear THAT! >The top of the spiral staircase led right to the bunkroom. >"I am feeling kinda tired," he mused. "I don't think >they'd mind if I lay down for a while." Janine: What did your mother teach you, Winston!? You're sleeping in unknown beds! Winston: Hey, the warning did say characters may act ooc. Peter: Ooh, I'm just going to let that one slip on by. Ray: You'd better! Winston'd take the hockey stick to you again! >The black man walked across the room and opened the window >to let in some fresh air. He then turned towards the first >bed. > Peter: If it was Egon's and if this was a lemon, I'm sure something would be in that bed. Janine: Winston, when you're done killing him. I got next. Egon: Right after I'm finished. Winston: [starts laughing] >It was made up crisp and neat, with nary a wrinkle on it, >and perfect hospital corners. Icewoman: I'm sure since Egon spends a lot of time in one, he'd know how a hospital bed was made. Egon: [Sighs] Can we lay off the dartboard jokes for *once*? Janine: That really wouldn't be you then, now would it? Egon: JANINE! > It looked like you could bounce >a quarter off of it. Winston dug a quarter out of his pants >pocket, and held it up over the bed. "Nah," he said, >repocketing the coin, "Knowing my luck, it will ricochet >back up, and put my eye out." > Icewoman: Or knowing Egon's luck, it'll fly from nowhere and impale him! Egon: [pales] Ray: Say, remember when--mrughrh! Peter: Shaddup, Ray! Egon: Oh I remember. Peter nearly took his own eye out! Janine: And you mean I missed this?! Icewoman: [snickering] >He lay down on the bed, wriggling back and forth until he >got comfortable, and closed his eyes. Janine: Icewoman appeared from nowhere and pounced on the sleeping man. Icewoman: JANINE! Janine: What!? Winston: [turns red] Icewoman: I'd at least wake him first. Winston: MEEP! Others: [laughing] > He soon became aware >of strange, crinkling/chomping/slurping All: o.O Peter: You said this wasn't a lemon! Icewoman: If chomping is in a lemon then it's cannibalism! All: URK! > noises coming >from under the bed. Winston rolled over and put his head >down to take a peek. > Egon: And gets his face ripped off. Ray: Egon! I'm surprised at you! Egon: I'm sure you were thinking the same thing. Ray: Yeah, but at least I didn't vocalize it! >Under the bed was a large, green, potato-shaped creature, >with two skinny arms, and no legs. It was digging into >a box of Twinkies, and stuffing them into its gaping maw, Icewoman: [wobbles slightly] Egon: Icewoman? Icewoman: Nothing. Just a Legend of Zelda flashback. >wrappers and all. Spotting Winston, it burbled a greeting >and held out a Twinkie, which was now dripping with green >slime. > Egon: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! [clutches heart and faints] Icewoman: Damn. I should have warned him about that. Ray: Maybe he eats the Twinkies to keep his sugar up. Look at how many times he faints! >"Uh, no thanks, man. I'm on a strict goop-free diet." >The green glob with eyes shrugged, and the Twinkie promptly >disappeared down its gullet. Finding the Twinkie box now >empty, it consumed the box as well. > Peter: Well, at least Egon's knocked out now. He wouldn't have to witness the death of the last Twinkie. >Zeddemore got up, and scooted over to the next bed, the >sound of a huge belch following him. As a hopeful employee, >this job might not be all it's cracked up to be. > Winston: ... Ray: Don't. We don't have all day for this. Winston: Drat. >He stopped short at the second bed. It was unmade and >messy, the sheets and blankets looked like they hadn't >been washed in weeks. Ray: That *has* to be Peter's bed. Winston: The home of the walking sheets! [Egon wakes up finally] Egon: I knew I smelled something stinky. Janine: That's the last thing I'd want as smelling salts. Peter's sheets! Peter: And when you're all through, do you want to stomp on my corpse a bit more? Icewoman: Sure! Peter: O_O > It was surrounded by haphazard >heaps of clothing in various stages of cleanliness. >And what was that smell? "No way." Winston shook his >head. "Mama Zeddemore didn't raise no fools." > Winston: Damn straight! >That left the third bed. Winston didn't get two steps >before he saw the travesty that lay before him. The bed >was also unmade, but underneath the simple blue blanket Peter: And a simple man in simple pajamas with a simple fac-- Ray: *WAKATAK* *WHAM* Peter: OUCHIE! Icewoman: Nice shot! >were sheets that were garishly adorned with a cartoon dog >wearing red long johns and a blue cape. Even the >pillowcase had the dog's cocky face plastered on it; >complete with a toothpick hanging arrogantly out of his >mouth. Leaning against the pillow was a Sta-Puft Marshmallow >Man doll. > Janine: The return of Dopey Dog. Ray: DOPEY! Egon: Just when we'd broken him up from that. Icewoman: Nothing wrong with cartoon sheets. I have Aladdin sheets! >"Aw, Hell no!" Winston cried out. He backed away from >the bed, making the sign of the cross with two fingers. [Everyone looks at Peter] Peter: WHAT? Janine: Don't vampires have really pale skin? Egon: Yes. Ray: And they hate daylight. Icewoman: PETER'S A VAMPIRE! ARGH! Peter: I AM NOT! >"If this is what I'm gonna hafta put up with, then I'm >outta here." He headed towards the bedroom door. > Peter: [snorts] Okay then I won't say anything about the Winnie the Pooh sheet set. Winston: PETER! Icewoman: Winnie the Pooh?! Janine: Irony at its best! >Feeling a little guilty, he went back to the bed, and >stripped the sheets off. Winston: Wait! No rubber gloves! No goggles! Egon: No common sense. Ray: Now *that's* irony at its best. Icewoman: No, Ray, that was irony. >"The least I can do is help them clean up a little before >I leave." Winston: And why in the hell would I do that?! Janine: Cannon twisting again? Peter: We keep this up and the Cannon'll have purple nurples! > He kicked the dirty clothes into a pile, along >with the smelly sheets, Ray: *COUGH* *GAG* Janine: I CAN'T BREATHE! Winston: The smell! The horror! DEAR GOD! Egon: I fear I'm in the final stages of total asphyxiation! Icewoman: MY FACE IS MELTING! Peter: Screw you all. > and wrapped them into the cartoon >sheets. "The washing machine's just gotta be in the >basement." > Winston: Aw hell! I haven't been there one day and I'm already doing the laundry! Janine: You're stuck with the maternal instinct from hell. >The first thing Winston spied as he opened the basement >door, was a big--no, huge cylindrical contraption that Egon: Watch as those who failed advanced geometry try to figure what a cylindrical contraption is. Icewoman: That was mean, Egon. Egon: Sorry. >took up one full wall. Thinking that it must the most >modern appliance in the world, he dumped his load of >clothing down in front of it. All: Uh-oh. Peter: Please don't let that be what I think it is. Janine: I bet it is. Icewoman: I'll get the fainting pads. > A few experimental button >pushes later, the small loading door opened in front of >it, and a square shaft pushed forward, sucking in air. >"I guess I load it up here," he mused. "It must be fully >automated." > Ray: Oh no.. Egon: Dear, God! NO! Janine: Oh boy. Better get ready for some fainting! >Zeddemore picked up a sheet, and stuffed one end into the >hole. *SCHTWIP* The sheet disappeared into the unit like >a long strand of spaghetti being sucked up out of a plate. Egon: NOT THE UNIT! Oh no.. my... heart... again! *THUD* Ray: O.O Icewoman: Damn. >"All right," Winston grinned. He repeated the process with >the other sheets and pillowcases, then started in on the >rest of the clothes, using a pair of tongs he found on a >nearby workbench. *SCHWIFF* *SCHWAFF* *SCHWUFF* Closing >the unit, he settled back to wait for it to cycle through. > Peter: CLOTHES?! NOOOOOOOOO! ARGH! *THUD* Ray: Dopey Dog. NOOOOOOOOOOO! *THUD* Janine: The time Winston finally manages to do something dumb, I'm off that day. Crap! Winston: They're never going to let me live this down. Icewoman: Not in a million years. >******************* Janine: Staryu! I choose you! > >Ecto-1 pulled into the garage, and three tired Ghostbusters >emerged, looking disappointed and upset. > Icewoman: You know, that's a favorite line in fanfiction. Winston: And one of the most true. >"Way to go, Ray," Peter complained. "Because of you, >the gooper got away!" He'd been holding his tongue >throughout the drive home, and he couldn't stand to >hold it in any longer. > Janine: Ray?! Let a ghost get away!? Man, he's OOC! >"Well, how was I to know that it could shape shift?" Ray >countered. "I mean, I couldn't very well blast Santa >Claus, could I?" Janine: (Peter) If you want to get paid; YES! Winston: He didn't even want to blast the Easter Bunny. > The stocky Ghostbuster grinned. "Besides, >I didn't exactly see you firing when it turned into Miss >Universe." > Winston: At least Pete's in character. Janine: Ewww, he's drooling on my foot! *kick* >Peter smiled, a faraway look coming into his eyes. "A >thing of beauty is a joy forever, Ray. *KAAAABOOOOOOOOOM* Janine: What the hell was that?! Icewoman: The fourth wall smashing. Winston: I don't get it. Icewoman: Oh boy. Watch. "He means if Darth Vader loaned us the Death Star, we might have a chance. Might." *KKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAABBBBBBBOOOOOOOMMMMMM* Winston: [dusting self off] Ah, I understand. Janine: But Peter never said that in an episode. *KKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM* Icewoman: I *know* but the fourth wall can't tell the difference! Fourth Wall: I can too! Icewoman: Oh shaddup! >You would do well to remember that." He looked at the tall >blond in turn. "And whose meter decided to take a dump >n us, so we couldn't track it?" >7 [Egon, Peter AND Ray finally wake up] Janine: Welcome back, fainting beauties. And Peter. Peter: Har har! Remind me to laugh on check day. >"I don't understand it," Egon said, looking forlorn. He >was carrying the useless PKE meter like a bird with a >broken wing. Ray: --bird. That cannot fly. Winston: First Churchill, now Hughes. STOP IT! Ray: Sorry! > "One minute it was working fine, the next >minute it slowly fizzled out. Like the battery pack >was being drained, somehow. The battery's charge should >be at full power..." His words trailed off as Peter >tried to slink away towards the stairs. He gave his >teammate a measured look. "You *did* recharge the meter's >battery last night, didn't you?" > Egon: If Peter was left in charge of this task. Then no, the battery wasn't charged. Peter: You know, Egon? You do wonders for my self-esteem. Egon: Then I must remember to work harder next time. Peter: [muttering under his breath] >Peter's look was all innocence. Janine: Despite the set of devil horns placed on his head. Ray: You see them too?! Winston: At least I'm not the only one. Peter: Okay, the devil comments are going too far. Icewoman: So you're saying you're innocent? Peter: [large anime eyes] Of course. *KKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOMMMMMM* Egon: It seems the Fourth wall disagrees. Others: [laughing] > "Yeah, boy, it's too >bad that the gooper got away. I guess I'll salvage >breakfast..." He hit the stairs at a dead run. > >"Venkman!" Egon took off after him, brandishing the PKE >meter like a tire iron. Ray chuckled, and began to put >the packs away. > Icewoman: Whoa, Egon pushed into violence. Winston: It was his favorite meter. Egon: Besides, if you lived with Venkman, you'd be pushed into violence too. Peter: Damn, what is it? Pick on Peter day? Janine: No, that's tomorrow. This is mess with Peter's mind day. Peter: You're scaring me and that's no small feat. >Egon caught up with Peter in the kitchen, and was about to >crown the hapless psychologist, when something on the table >caught his eye. Someone had taken a large bite out of his >sandwich! Peter: What shocked him was who in the hell would do that?! Egon: That could have been taken two ways. With you, I'm willing to bet it was the latter. Peter: You know me *so* well. > Lowering his arms, he placed the meter on the table >and picked up his plate, eyeing the bite marks. Peter >uncringed himself and looked at Egon. "Something wrong, >Big Guy?" > Egon: ... Winston: You start with theories again and it's me, you, and the hockey stick. Egon: O.O >The physicist practically shoved the plate into Peter's >face. "Someone's been eating my sandwich!" > Peter: Quick! See if there's a corpse nearby! Egon: *WHACK* Peter: OUCH! >Peter made a face, and pushed the plate away. "Maybe >Slimer did it. You know how he is," he stated. Of >course, why anyone, even Slimer, would want to eat one >of Egon's sweat sandwiches was beyond him. > Egon: [swinging PKE meter] NOT ONE WORD! Others: EEP! Egon: *THWAP* Peter: HEY! That was a sound, not a word! >Spengler set his plate back onto the table and sat down >to think. "If Slimer were the culprit, there wouldn't >be any sandwich left. Besides, the bite radius is way >too small." Ray: When Slimer studies go too far. > The blond man pulled a small ruler out of his >pocket, and began to measure the bite marks carefully, making >notations on a notepad. While he was engrossed, Peter >refreshed his coffee, and sat down in front of his own >breakfast. Egon glanced sideways at Peter's mouth. > Egon: Now if it was something sweet. I'm sure Peter would have been the culprit. Peter: Me or Ray. >"Forget it, Egon. I didn't eat your sandwich." > Peter: Never have. Never will. >Ray entered the kitchen and sat down. Egon stared at him >accusingly. "Ray, did you eat my sandwich this morning?" > Ray: I'm not retarded! Egon: [glare] Ray: Stop looking at me like that! >"Gosh, no, Egon!" he said, picking up his spoon. "I'm >not suicidal." Ray: I rest my case! Egon: *WHACK* Ray: OUCHIE! Winston: Egon, who pissed on your Twinkie today? Egon: Oh shut up! Icewoman: [gives Egon a Twinkie to calm him down] Egon: Thank you! [devours Twinkie] More? Janine: If you're good. [pats Egon's tummy] Egon: Okay! [makes happy noises] Peter: You two are disgusting. >Looking down, he saw what remained of his own breakfast. >"Hey, who put milk in my oatmeal?" The occultist dug >around the inside the bowl with his spoon. "And where >did all my raisins go?" Peter: I think the slime is making us retarded. We'd actually think we could save breakfast LEFT on the table while gone! Ray: Just you, Peter. Just you. > >Peter was about to take a huge bite of cornflakes, when >the flakes tumbled off of the spoon, revealing a pile of >raisins encrusted with dried bits of oatmeal. Dutifully, >he tipped them back into Ray's bowl. "Here's your raisins, >Ray." Winston: Oh that's gross. No milk?! Icewoman: No wonder he's so thin. Peter: I'm not thin! I'm plesantly slender! Ray: Only if you're a woman. Peter: ARGH! Don't start that again! Winston: BSSG FLASHBACK! All: ARGH! Enjis: [outside of theater] EEP! *THUD* Peter: Another one!? Icewoman: Oh hush. > >Parting the cornflakes like Moses parting the Red Sea, >Peter spotted a treasure trove of oatmeally raisins. >With a sigh, he pushed his breakfast away. "I say we >find Slimer, and ask him just what the heck is going on >around here." > Egon: Actually, everything would have been covered in slime. Winston: Just like Peter's bed and the TV! >Once in the bedroom, the guys noticed that something was >wrong there, too. Janine: No orgies had taken place in the last few days! Guys: JANINE! STOP THAT! Janine: Sorry! I guess I'm used to MSTing lemons! Icewoman: [sighs and shakes her head] >Egon gasped as he saw the large body print marring the >surface of his once pristine bed. "Someone's been sleeping >in my bed," he said, Peter: (Egon) ---without me! Egon: VENKMAN! *THWAP* Peter: OWWIE! > stating the obvious. Peter: Well, Egon is Captain Obvious. Winston: With Ray as Subtle Sidekick. Janine: I think you two do this in your free time? Peter & Winston: What!? [innocent expressions] Janine: It's hopeless... again! > The physicist >pulled a quarter out of his pocket, and let it fall. Icewoman: When it didn't impale him, he realized that something was REALLY wrong! Egon: [glowering at Icewoman] >The coin sank into the blanket with a soft thud, and lay there, >unmoving. Egon hung his head and whimpered. [Short silence] All (except Egon): BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Egon: I didn't find that humorous. Peter: Of course you wouldn't, cardboard boy. > >Peter looked around wildly. "Where's my clothes?" >Checking under his bed, he pulled out, not clothes, but >a cellophane wrapper. Icewoman: Peter? In Vinyl?! Janine: EWWW! > With a smirk, he held it out to the >distraught physicist. "You lose something, Egon?" > Winston: Again, Peter denies his own pain just to pick on Egon. Peter: I have to have fun SOMEHOW. >Egon's eyes grew as large a saucers. "My Twinkies!" Egon: ARGH! DIE! [whips out proton pack from no where and blasts the screen] [Everyone screams and ducks under their seats] Winston: --the hell?! Peter: Egon! Put the proton pack down! Ray: Someone stop him! [Janine jumps from under her seat] Janine: *WHAM* Egon: OUCH! *THUD* Icewoman: I swear, the man has too much sugar in his sytem! > >The blond man gave a cry of dismay, and wrenched his pillow >aside. "They're gone!" The pillow was thrown back into >lace. "Heads *will* roll," he ground out through clenched >eeth. > Egon: MUHAHAHAHAHAR! IMPENDING DOOM! [Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles.] Winston: All this over a snack cake?! Man! I'd hate to see him pissed at *somebody* >Ray's plaintive wail cut through the room like a knife. >Both Egon and Peter ran over to see what was wrong. > Janine: (Ray) Someone's been sleeping in my bed. Egon, it's your fault! Egon: JANINE! Icewoman: Okay, no more Egon jokes. We've picked on the poor man enough. Ray: So now what. Winston: More Peter jokes? Janine: Sounds good. Peter: HEY! >"My sheets! Where's my sheets?! Do you know how hard >it is to find Dopey Dog sheets? Janine: Do you know how hard it is to keep from laughing? Ray: HEY! Janine: I'm talking about Peter! Peter: [scowls at Janine] >Where could they have gone?" He began to cry on Peter's >shoulder. Peter patted his arm comfortingly. > Winston: Had this been Peter Venkman's bed, the mystery would have been already solved. Egon: Yes, all one would have to do is search the washer. The sheets would have washed themselves. >Egon, once again, stated the obvious. "Gentlemen, I >believe we have a burglar on our hands." > Peter: And once again Deer-in-headlights Spengler alerts us to the things we *should* pay attention to. Ray: Touche. Peter: Zip it, sugar bunny. Icewoman: I was afraid this was going to happen. >Ray broke away, and opened the closet. Pulling out a >baseball bat, he marched for the door. "I'm gonna find >my sheets!" > Icewoman: What burglar would steal sheets?! Janine: A sleepy one?! Ray: *rimshot* >Peter reached in, and pulled out a hockey stick. "If any >of my shirts have been damaged..." he trailed off, following >Ray out the door. Icewoman: Okay, what burglar would steal Peter's clothes?! Janine: A desperate one?! Peter: *THWACK* *WAKATAK* Icewoman & Janine: HEY! > >Egon reached in and slowly withdrew a croquet mallet. He >held it in a way that no croquet mallet should ever be held, Icewoman: You know. Egon seems more like a cricket bat wielding man. Egon: Nonsense. Where would I find a cricket bat at this time of day? Others: [slowly scootings away from Egon] >hefting it a couple of times to check its balance. He >trailed along after his companions. "He's going to wish >that he had never undergone the traumatic process >of childbirth!" > Egon: Roar... and stuff. Winston: We have to work on your aggressive streak. Janine: Ooh, can I help? Ray: Now I know *THAT* was hentai! Icewoman: What are you? The hentai meter?! Ray: Someone has to keep it legal. Peter: We've already broken more laws than Bonnie & Clyde! Ray: Hey, I'm trying! >********************** All: [singing] ~\o ( You may be my lucky star \ But I'm the luckiest by far... ) o/~ > >Winston yawned loudly. He was still waiting for the >machine to cycle through, but it seemed to be taking forever. >"Maybe it's one of those combination washer/dryer units that >do both automatically. Maybe that's what's taking so long." Egon: That or you've accidently PUT THEM IN THE WRONG PLACE! Winston: Whoa! Down, Egon! Icewoman: Egon, put the mallet down! Egon: ARGH! All: AHHHHHHH! Ray: CHAINS! [Winston and Peter chain Egon to his seat] Egon: IT'S NOT FAIR! > >Suddenly, the door burst open, and three angry men >gathered at the top of the stairs. The auburn-haired >one pointed in his direction. "There he is!" he yelled. >"Get him!" The three men charged down >the stairs, brandishing their makeshift clubs. Janine: Hearts! Icewoman: Spades! Winston: Diamonds! Ray: WRONG SUITS! Peter: Sheesh! Did you have some sugar today? Egon: Now that was a dumb question. > >"Sheet stealer!" >"Clothes hog!" >"Err-um, Twinkie consumer!" > Winston: Gee. Tell me how you guys *really* feel. Icewoman: It's okay, Winnie-chan. I'll always love you. Others: Awwww. Winston: I aint no friggin Winnie! Ray: Then why is your face red? Winston: *THWAP* Ray: OUCH! >Zeddemore held up his hands placatingly. "Whoa, whoa, >whoa! Chill, guys! I'm the new applicant!" Egon: Who just made himself at home. Icewoman: I'll risk the hit this time. Janine: What? Icewoman: Since Winston slept in Egon's bed-- Winston & Egon: *THWAP* Icewoman: OUCHIE! Peter: Well, you tried! > >All three men stopped, the anger draining out of their >faces. Then they looked confused. "Applicant?" Venkman >echoed. They slowly lowered their weapons, and approached. >Winston smiled reassuringly. Ray: Winston's a vampire! He's using glamor! Icewoman & Janine: o.O;; Winston: Thank you, hentai kid. Ray: WHAT!? > >"Yeah, the door was open, and since no one was here, I >decided to help myself Peter: Watch as Winston Zeddemore throws common sense to the wind! Egon: I wonder if he was hit in the head that day? Winston: I signed with you three clowns. Janine: That's a hint enough! > and look around while I waited." He >grinned sheepishly. "I didn't know it would take you guys >so long to get back. Since I helped myself to some of your >food, I thought that the least I could do is help out with >the laundry." Icewoman: Ooh. He trades services for food. Ray: Need I really say it? Janine: Nope! > >Egon's eyes narrowed. "My Twinkies!" He raised the >croquet mallet, and stepped forward menacingly. Winston >backed up a few steps. Icewoman: Wow! Egon must really love his Twinkies! Ray: Like Peter loves Women. Janine: Oh nice analogy, Subtle Sidekick. >"Easy, homeboy. That wasn't me, it was an ugly green >thing under the bed. It offered me one, but I turned it >down." Winston: I always said Peter's bed was breeding life. Egon: Just like his socks. > >Egon tossed the mallet down in a fit of pique. "That's >it!" he ranted, "Slimer is restricted from the refrigerator >for a week!" Egon: --Where I can run horrible experiments on him involving acid. MUHAHAHAHAHAR! Peter: He's taking the mad scientist role too seriously. > >"But Egon, don't you think you're being a little hard on the >Spud?" Ray had always defended the little green ghost, even >when he misbehaved. Egon cast a baleful look in Ray's direction. >"Or, maybe not..." he added lamely. > Peter: The one time Egon finally snaps at Slimer and Ray has to kill the moment! Ray: Oh shut up! >Peter, meanwhile, had wandered over to the actual washer and >dryer and opened them up. "I thought you said that you were >doing laundry, Mr. umm--" Winston: Zeddemore! Dr. Z if ya nasty! Others: O.O Janine: (Peter) Okay Zeddemore, I mean Dr. Z. Peter: Oh thank you. Did you all have a little conspiracy meeting before hand? > >"Zeddemore. Winston Zeddemore." He stepped forward to >shake Peter's hand. As he did, he noticed the appliances >for the first time. A sinking feeling grew in the pit of >his stomach. "Is *this* your washer and dryer?" Egon: The sinking feeling being a large dagger plunged into the abdomen! Icewoman: One more psychotic outburst and you're gone, Egon. Egon: Oh poo. > >Peter nodded. "What did you think it was?" > Icewoman: Something you're going to want to kill him about. >Winston pointed at the containment unit. "That." > Egon, Ray & Peter: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Icewoman: Oh dear. I'll have to calm them down after this. Winston: The hockey stick'll be quicker. Icewoman: You're right! >"WHAT?!" All three Ghostbusters exclaimed at once. >Zeddemore saw their expressions range from astonishment to >horror, and everything in between. Janine: Winston was ready to make tracks when he saw the looks of homicide emblazoned on each man's face. Icewoman: Nice. Ever thought of writing fanfiction? Janine: Yeah, but Egon and I always wind up in bed. Egon: O.O > >Ray was the first to break the silence. "You stuffed our >laundry in the containment unit?!" He didn't even wait >for the explanation. "My sheets!" Ray: Poor Dopey Dog. YOU ANIMAL! Winston: Calm yourself! It's just a story! Ray: But my SHEETS! Icewoman: Here, Ray. Have a cookie. Ray: [stops wailing] Ooh! Oatmeal Raisin! >The auburn-haired man ran over to the containment unit, >and began to pound on the loading door. "Gimmie back my >sheets, you bunch of ectoplasmic monstrosities! Gimmie >back Dopey Dog!" Egon: Sorry, Ray. Even overloading the packs won't save Dopey. Ray: DOPEY! Icewoman: [gives Ray another cookie] *THWAP* Egon: OUCH! > >Peter was next. "My clothes! My favorite Hawaiian shirts! >And how am I gonna go on a date without my lucky underwear?" > Peter: *WHAT!* I do not have lucky underwear! Winston: Yeah, he just keeps wearing the same pair. Icewoman & Janine: [turns green] >Everyone stared at Peter. "Well, it is," he said, >defensively. "I've scored more in that underwear than >the New York Rangers in a winning season." > Icewoman: You have sex in your UNDERWEAR?! Peter: NO! Winston: Meaning he doesn't have sex period. Peter: Keep it up, Zeddemore. Or I'll start telling the kiddies about 1982. Winston: YOU WOULDN'T?! Janine: Now that was another dumb question! >"My socks!" Egon shouted. "I just remembered. Peter >borrowed my argyle socks to wear on his date the other >night." He cast his eyes heavenward. "My mother gave >me those socks!" Egon: Oh man. I'm seriously out of character here. Ray: Picky Egon let Peter wear his *socks?* BWAHAHA! Egon: I am not picky. I'm fastidious. Peter: And I'm a red-head. > >Winston started to back out towards the door. "Easy, >guys," he pleaded. "Just chill, okay? I didn't know-- >honest!" > Ray: And you never shall. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAR! Icewoman: RAY! Don't you start! >"You know, Zedd is right," Peter sighed. "This would >never have happened if Ray had remembered to lock the >front door." Janine: Leaving a door unlocked in New York is like putting all your jewelry on the sidewalk. > He cuffed Ray playfully. "Let's start over. >I'm Peter Venkman; Pete to my friends, Dr. Venkman if you're >not. This here is Egon Spengler, and the man trying to rip >apart the containment unit is Ray Stantz." > Janine: That's just like Peter. Call himself Doctor but not the rest. Peter: [buffs nails on his shirt] >Winston shook each of their hands in turn. "Well, guys," >Peter was saying, "what do you think? He looks like he >could take care of himself, Janine: AND Egon. Egon: Quiet you. > and he's already familiar >with some of the equipment," he added with a grin. > Ray & Egon: [grumbling] Icewoman: Stop it, you two! >Ray and Egon both nodded. "He didn't run away from Slimer, >at any rate," said Ray. Janine: And since it was under Peter's bed. He didn't know what the hell it was! >"I think he can handle it. Would you like the job, Mr. >Zeddemore?" Winston: And here is where I sometimes wonder if my I.Q was on vacation. > >"Just call me Winston." He flashed a grin at Peter. "Zedd, >if ya nasty. Others: ... Winston: Stop looking at me. It was a coincidence! Janine: My, I didn't know Winston was this friendly at first. Makes me wish I was there! Egon: That's it! No more Twinkie! Janine: [pouting] EEEGGGOONN!!! Icewoman: The story's not even a lemon and you guys go hentai. >It looks like you need all the help you can get. When was >the last time you guys ate a home cooked meal?" > Peter: With the Sweat Deli and Creator of Food Poisoning? Never. >He could actually see their mouths water as they >remembered the taste of real food. "Well, brothers, >have I got some recipes for you!" Egon: If they involve slime, you die. Winston: You still remember that?! Egon: Who could forget. The endless hours of vomiting. Winston: Thank you, a simple yes would have sufficed. >With that, Winston Zeddemore became an official Ghostbuster, >and life was never the same for him since. Winston: You mean life was never SANE for him since. Ray: You know you'd be bored if you worked somewhere else. Winston: You three do have an odd habit of growing on people. Peter: That's Egon's fungus. > > >The End Icewoman: OSHIMAI! Others: DA YO!